


Panic Attacks Are Kinda My Thing

by MarkMoneyTuan



Category: GOT7
Genre: ASMR, Anxiety, M/M, MarkWithDatSoothingAssVoice, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 17:38:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10443378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarkMoneyTuan/pseuds/MarkMoneyTuan
Summary: In which Jackson, a high schooler who suffers from frequent panic attacks and anxiety, finds a certain video that helps him out.





	

My heart pounded in my chest as I leaned onto my car for support. I fumbled for my car keys in my backpack but my hands were shaking. I walked quickly over to the rink and practically threw my art project in before shutting it with a loud thud.

"Breath just breath",I said aloud. I needed Jinyoung to be here right at this moment to help get me, but sadly this was 3 hours after school ended. I didn't want to call him because I feel like all I do is ask him for help.

You may be questioning why the hell I'm just leaving school right now instead of three hours ago. It's because I had to finish up my art project for this stupid presentation I have coming up. 

Now you might even be questioning why the fuck I can't breath or why I'm shaking. The answer is this problem I've been having for a long time now. And that is this little thing called panic attacks (or should I say big thing?) I've struggled with this for a while now but they've been coming up more frequently as I've gotten older. You see, they've kind of become 'my thing' over the years. The weird thing is that it doesn't run in my family and that things like stress causes it to happen more often. It's understandable considering that I've been stressed thinking about that fucking art presentation. 

I'd love to say that I can handle myself and that I know exactly what to do when I have them, but then I'd just be lying to myself. Truth is I need Jinyoung around to remind me to breath and help me initiate breathing exercises. I've been friends with Jinyoung since middle school and he's learned all the tips and tricks to get me to calm down, things that I can't get myself to do on my own. 

As of right now I'm on medication that helps with my anxiety and my panic attacks. I have to take it daily but my dumb ass forgot to take it as I was running out the door today. 

After what felt like hours, I finally found my keys conveniently sitting at the very bottom of my backpack and I unlocked my car. I knew if I tried driving right now I'd probably accidentally crash into a tree so I opted to stay there until I calmed down (wouldn't want the school to find my dead body in a car crashed into a fucking tree still on school grounds).

My breathing didn't get any better as I felt it quicken as a result of my mind racing. I felt tears falling down my face with my emotions crashing into me. In the process of mind coming up with every bad situation that could happen right at that moment, I thought about the video I had listened to weeks ago.

I found it while scrolling through ways to calm down anxiety and panic attacks. This one website linked me to a video titled "ASMR: Panic Attacks and Anxiety Help :)". Curious, I read the description and all it said was to put in earphones, and to listen. I clicked the video because maybe it would help and partially because smiley face in the title pulled me in. I plugged my earphones in and waited for the video to load. 

The video started and I wasn't sure what to expect. Some instructions popped up on the screen just telling me to close my eyes and breath, other than that the screen remained black. I shut my eyes feeling a bit silly but if this thing actually helps me, I won't have to rely on Jinyoung 24/7. Suddenly a soft voice came through my earphones immediately changing my mood. 

I can't explain it but his voice was so soothing and calming. It was soft yet raspy and deep. He whispered softly saying things like, "Breathe in and out I'm here with you", and ,"You're doing so great, I'm proud". 

Luckily my headphones were in the cup holder of my car so I grabbed them with my shaking hands and plugged them into my phone. Immediately this voice helped me through my tears until I felt my heart beat return to a normal pace and my breathing slow down. I felt so safe and I was feeling so much better now. It amazed me how much this boys voice could help me so fast, maybe even faster than Jinyoung could. 

I took the deepest breath I could relinquishing the feeling because just moments ago it felt like I couldn't breath at all. I wiped my tears and put my key in ignition and got ready to drive home, knowing that my parents would probably be wondering where I'm at.

\-------------  
I pulled into the driveway of my family home and put the car in park. I took my earphones out, as I kept replaying the video throughout the car ride to insure that I was 100% okay. I grabbed my backpack and slung it over my back and I walked to the trunk of my car to grab my painting that I was working on. 

You see art is my favorite subject. It helps keep me grounded even if all hell is breaking loose all around me. Art to me is almost like another form of medicine, one that's always been reliable throughout growing up. The only reason I'm practically pissing myself trying to get everything right with this project is because my teacher is requiring us to do a solo presentation on it. In front of the class. Alone. Just me to explain my personal art to the class. 

I was never fond of showing others my work, I wouldn't say I'm bad but I'm wouldn't say I'm great either. I do it more for the feeling of getting all my emotions out and seeing the end result of what I've done. I guess it lets me be destructive on a canvas without hurting myself or anyone around me. My art is only for me to see (and my teacher to grade), even my parents don't know much of what I do in that class. 

It's not that they don't care about my art it's just that I never show them and they aren't ones to pry. All they know is that I love it and I've been into art ever since I could get my hands to hold a crayon.

I held my painting with my right hand and with my free hand I jiggled my key into the door. I knew none of my parents would be home yet because three both work late into the night. I don't mind though, besides that, our family is pretty close knit. I shut the door behind me and walked into the kitchen. I threw my keys in the counter and placed my painting down before I started rummaging through the pantry for something to eat. I grabbed a few granola bars with me before heading upstairs to my room. 

I threw my backpack on the ground and took my painting out of its protective cover (which was an old trash bag provided by my shitty school) and propped it up on my desk. I sat on my bed and stared at what I've created.

\-------------  
I got the idea after I finished taking one of those boiling hot showers where the water burns your skin but yet it still has this way of making me feel better. 

I had stepped out of the shower and stared into the bathroom mirror. I could barely see my reflection except for a some sections where the condensation didn't quite make it. I stared at my reflection through that mirror for awhile wondering why this was hitting me so hard.

The foggy mirror was how I viewed myself. In my head I can see who I want to be and who I can be but I've always felt like this fog, this entity follows me around distorting how I really act.

This painting has a deep meaning to me and I feel connected to it, it shows how I've felt for the longest time. That's another thing that makes me nervous to present. I'm afraid that presenting this vulnerable piece of mine could allow others to hurt me more. I know it's most likely another one of my irrational fears but it's definitely something I consider. 

\-------------  
Before coming to school the next morning, I made sure I took my medicine. I went through the day fine, until lunch when I accidentally slipped and told Jinyoung what had happened yesterday.

"So what you're telling me is that you had another panic attack yesterday and didn't call me? What did I tell you, remember if it's about panic attacks or anything mental health related you are not bothering me",said Jinyoung locking eyes with me across the lunch table.

"Ugh I shouldn't have told you, I don't want you to worry I just wanted to keep you updated you know. All I ever do is ask you for help",I said biting into my sandwich.

"Jackson, stop saying things like that. You help me with things too, so I'm happy to help you. You act like we haven't known each other since elementary",he said rolling his eyes. "So what happened, how did you calm yourself down?"

"I listened to that YouTube video I told you about and I felt better",I said.

"That one video with the guy talking? Are you sure you aren't listening to that video too much? I swear if that guy came up to you and talked to you with that voice of his you'd let him take you right here",he said smirking at me.

"Shut up Jinyoung, you don't know me",I said glaring intensely at him.

"See I've known you so long for me to know that you wouldn't be this bothered if it wasn't the truth",he said back at me.

"First of all fuck you, and second of all I'd have to know the person before letting them fuck me". 

"You'd forget all your morals the second you hear his voice". 

"T-that's not true",I said. "You know what, I don't like your company", I said grabbing my stuff to leave him there alone. 

"Alright see you after school".

\----------

I scoffed and left him in the cafeteria. I still had about 25 minutes left of lunch so I decided to head over the the art room, just to add some finishing touches to the painting. I made my way up a flight of stairs to the end of a corridor and there I was in front of my art class. 

The lights were on so I suppose the teacher left the class open for us to work with the presentations coming up very soon. I walked up to the door and pushed it open. Tomorrow was the day I'd have to get up in front of the class and practically open myself up for everyone to see. "Does that sound dirty? I don't thi-", my thoughts were interrupted as my eyes landed on a guy sitting in one of the desks. He was wearing red sweater way WAY too big for his seemingly frail body. 

Looks like I'm not the only one worried about my painting as he frantically threw paint on the paper and used a big brush to create thick strokes on the paper. I guess he didn't hear me come in because he didn't even turn around despite the loud noise of the door shutting automatically. Maybe he wanted to be alone. Deciding to take a seat across the room, I pulled the chair back and that's when he looked up from his painting and made contact with me. How come he didn't look up when the loud ass door slammed but looks up when my chair made the slightest sound?

His face seemed familiar and it clicked that he's that one senior is my art class. He studies my face almost like he remembers me too but I think I'm just seeing things. 

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you I'm just working on my project", I said sitting down slowly. Instead of saying something back he just nodded and turned back around doing his own thing. I grabbed my painting out of the trash bag and set it down. I got up quickly to grab some paint before lunch ended. I grabbed the white and blue paint and mixed the two to make a light blue color and I took some black to accentuate some lines. I turned around to see the senior kid hovering over my painting.

I don't understand how he moved so quietly considering he made it across the room over to my table. He stood there examining it. I walked back to my table and took a seat, unsure of what to say. 

"It's nice",he said looking up from my painting to look at me. 

"Thanks",I said stunned as his voice seemed different from what I expected it to be. He smiled and walked back to his desk. Something inside my brain was waiting for something to click because I swear I've heard him before. I know for a fact that I've never had a conversation with him because who'd what to talk to a junior when you're a senior and I mean when you're as pretty as he is. I stared at him until the bell rang. He took his painting and walked out of the room leaving me confused and slightly aroused but let's just keep that between you and me. I packed my things and looked down to see no improvements made on my painting but hey, at least something interesting happened. 

I told myself not to tell jinyoung about the whole encounter even though maybe he could shed some light on this whole thing. It's not even important nor interesting so it's best I keep it to myself. I have more things to worry about like adding the finishing touches to my painting and the damn presentation tomorrow.

\-------------

It was the day of the presentation and I went through my classes, feeling like I physically wasn't there. I wanted to be somewhere else because I was dreading my fourth period art class. As I was driving to school today I was debating if I should skip school. The only thing stopping me was my art teachers voice, reminding us that if we miss the presentation she'll take off 50% of our grade which is a letter grade down. 

Personally I think it's unfair but what can I do. And I also knew do that even if I miss the presentation today, I'd still have to eventually do it. And doing it a day after everyone has presented is worse because then everyone will actually be paying attention instead of worrying about themselves. 

Trust me I thought about everything. 

By the time the bell rang dismissing us from our third period I felt like I was about to throw up my insides. I forced myself to walk to the my art class but even then I contemplated on jumping the fence to run out of school or hiding in the bathroom till the period ended. My hand gripped the handle on the door and I pushed the door open and walked over to my usual seat. 

I swear to God, I was floating and my heart was beating so fast that I thought I was going to die. I set my painting to my side and sat there watching everyone fill in the seats. I wasn't even paying attention when the teacher went up to the classroom and greeted everyone. Some people were chattering and laughing around me and I couldn't even imagine being happy at a moment like this. My heart beat didn't slow down and it felt like it started to beat faster. 

I raised my hand to ask my teacher if I could sit outside for a moment but she didn't notice me and began class. I put my hand down as a lost cause and stared at the table. All I could hear was my heart beating and my fingertips felt numb. My mind began searching for all the worse possibilities, you know just to make me feel better. 

What if I die up there? What if I slip going up and everyone laughs? What if I forget my name? What if I blank? What if I forget how to speak? My breathing quickened and I knew I had little time before I would start gasping for air. I got up fast and walked to my teacher. 

"Can I please go outside for a moment", I said trying my best to calm my voice . 

"No Jackson, we are about to begin the presentations", she said shaking her head. 

"Please it's an emergency", I said shaking. 

She sighed closing her eyes, "Alright quickly",she said shooing me away. 

I agreed and walked out quickly. I felt tears brimming my eyes and as if things couldn't get any worse, at that very moment my eyes met the senior.

He looked at me with concern as I looked away and continued my way to the door. The cold air greeted my face and my tears fell. My lungs gaped for air and my breathing turned into short breaths. I tried to walked somewhere anywhere away from the class but I didn't make it far because my body thought it'd be a good idea to collapse (not gracefully might I add) onto a random nearby bench. I heard a door slam behind me and I knew that that was my teacher telling me to get back inside. 

She'd probably question why the fuck I'm crying on a bench and instead not getting ready for my presentation. I frantically thought of some shit to say when I heard the steps closing in on me. 

"Ms. Chung I'm sorry I don't think I can present today",I said with my shaky voice. I didn't get an answer right away so I looked behind me. 

Instead of seeing Ms. Chung, I was faced with senior boy standing behind me with yet another oversized hoodie on except this time it was camo. I stared at him mortified. He probably came over to laugh at me, seeing that he was just standing there. 

"If you came to watch me have a panic attack, fuck off",I said not wanting to be around anyone. Instead of turning around and leaving like I thought he would, he came and sat next to me. I was stunned to say the least. 

"Hey I'm not here to watch, I want to help",he said quietly. He grabbed my hand with both of his and held on. His fingers were slender compared to mine and I felt kinda embarrassed. He ran his thumb over my knuckles and spoke soft words.

"You're okay, you'll be fine. I'm here now", he said softly. 

I closed my eyes and sat there not sure if this was actually happening or was this just a dream? 

"Breath in and out. Don't think about anything just focus on me no one else just me",he said. 

I kept my eyes closed and breathed in and out, my chest shaking slightly. My heart beat was slowly starting to normalize and my breathing was getting better. 

"You're doing great I'm proud", he said close to my ear. I shivered at the feeling of deja vu. I knew for SURE he's never whispered in my ear before but why was this feeling so normal. 

The click I was waiting for the day I saw him alone in the class came right at that moment.

This senior that was holding my hand and practically cradling me had the exact fucking voice as the video I watch to calm me down. But no it can't be him...could it?

I opened my eyes and say him staring back at me. 

"Are you okay now",he asked. 

"Y-yeah thank you for that",I said a bit confused. 

"I saw you entered the class looking like you were out of it so I thought I'd check up on you because you left",he said. Every word he said was so sooth and never louder than the word before. He spoke with a voice so gentle, like he couldn't hurt anyone even if he'd want to. "I-I mean I wasn't like watching you...I just happened to like notice",he said while a light shade of pink casted over his face. 

"Thanks again...", I said pausing because I wasn't going to just call him senior boy.

"Mark",he said, "and you?"

"Jackson."

"Don't worry about the presentation okay, you'll do fine just breath and if you need help just look at me. You're painting is amazing you have nothing to worry about. And rememebr if you don't want to tell the whole class the real meaning of your art, you don't have to. No one will know if you're lying or not because you're the painter".

This is actually the most I've ever heard him speak. His voice is so nice I'd love to hear him talk all day, I'd happily listen to every word.

He got up and helped me up along with him and walk by my side until we got back inside. 

I didn't ask him if he was the one behind the video because the way he helped me and his soothing voice almost assured me that it was him. 

The feeling of validation from others never usually occurs me, but for some reason his opinion meant the most.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I'm really bad at writing endings, please don't kill me ://///


End file.
